more intensive treatment?

...Jennifer just kicked my ass. This is an addiction and it's manipulative of me. It's been quite hard for me to NOT act out and use behaviors for the last 3 weeks. I've been using symptoms of some sort for the last 3 weeks-- but I don't feel like to an extreme. I've been either cutting or purging. My body image is flying off the roof. I hate my body, I hate my thoughts. I really truly think that I can stop when I want to. I feel like I'm in control. But I know better in my "wise" mind that it's so easy for the eating disorder to take over me. I honestly think I won't spiral but in my right mind I know that may not be the case. In all honesty...I DO NOT want to do mroe groups but I promised Jennifer I'd bring it up on Monday and think and talk about it with Nancy and Amy. But in all truthfulness I don't think I need it. I don't think I need to be in intensive treatment with all the extreme eating disordered patients. Nancy even said to me the other day that I was in recovery. MY WEIGHT is no where close to being in the underweight zone....

I don't know if I NEED this. These behaviors have not been going on long enough and they aren't extreme enough in my opinion. But I promised that I'd bring it up with Amy and Nancy tomorrow. I need to let my boss at work know about the possibility too. But, I am going to bring it up and see if Nancy and Amy agree with me. I'm going to give myself the contract of 2 weeks and try....and then if things aren't going well...I will bring it up with them again if they don't bring it up first. I'm just ...scared I'm not going to tell them the truth. It's so easy to lie about behaviors ( other than cutting since I get searched by Nancy )  if I know I have the threat of more intensive treatment....If the decision is made to go, it'd be -- when nancy leaves-- I'll do this. I'm pretty sure my insurance would cover 100% too since I've already met my mental health deductible for this year.

I have good friends...I appreciate the honesty. We'll just see- I won't commit to anything. it's just a thought.

xoxo -Lisa