"Bear in mind you have a life to live. There is an incredible loss. There is a profound grief. And there is, in the end, after a long time and more work than you ever thought possible, a time when it gets easier." -Marya Hornbacher

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

I made my bed, gotta lie in it

I made my own bed of misery that I'm in at the moment. I mean, no- I didn't choose to be depressed or have an ED or anxiety issues...but--- I'm really not doing much to get out of this giant hole.  I just don't have the energy to do what needs to be done- I don't even know what it is exactly that I need to do. I don't enjoy sleeping, eating, watching tv or really anything. I do still enjoy shopping though...but I don't NEED anything so the thrill of shopping has even lessened.

What I am doing is trying to follow what Eileen is telling me to eat. But I want to either binge or eat nothing at all. The stupid binging desire is coming back- probably bc my anxiety has decreased if not taken away my appetite all together. My stomach has been hurting a lot too lately.

My family left this morning. It wasn't bad actually. Things went alright. I don't have much to say about it except my little sister is almost as tall as me.

I'm so incredibly sick of having ED or my stupid bpd symptoms in my life. SO SICK OF IT. One of the girls I work with was telling me about her med school acceptance letters. I AM SO MOTHERFUCKING JEALOUS. Not of the med school- just that she's moving on. I WANT SO BADLY to just take my pre reqs and go get my doctorate. I'm sick of sitting here at a job feeling like I'm ....an useless human being. I want to go back to school part time, work here so I can still have money and just...HAVE SOME SORT OF LIFE AGAIN

too bad that would probably consist of seeing people, not isolating and not being so fucking depressed and empty all the time that I feel as if I can't function. All I feel like doing is laying in bed, there's never anything on TV. I never have an desire to fall asleep- I just do due to my seroquel.  A lot of times- shopping just sounds nice- but what the hell am I going to get? I don't freaking NEED anything and honestly... I buy books and I don't read them. Why? Hell if I know why.

I deserve this. I sit here miserable and do nothing about it, so of course things aren't going to get better. But I don't have the energy- or that extra kick in the ass...that i might need. who knows. I'm just sitting here in my own fucking pool of misery. sorry. I didn't mean for this post to sound like I'm whining for a pity party- I'm not. I have pity. I really do. So I do apologize if this entry was just ridiculous. I'm just not feeling up for... anything really today. MOVE GODDAMIT. I AM MISERABLE AND I NEED TO FUCKING DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. MOVE. DO SOMETHING. PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER LISA....

I still have 4 1/2 hours left at work....

xoxo -Lisa
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4 comments:

  1. Dancefairy10December 21, 2010 at 8:00 PM

    Stay strong, Lisa! There are many people that love you an u nEED to get out of this hell you call life!! U deserve BETTER !
    Lots of love
    Courtney

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnonymousDecember 21, 2010 at 8:54 PM

    Lisa,
    You're not alone in this fight hun, remember that! Stay strong. It's okay if you don't feel positive right now...I know it's hard but sometimes we have to fake it to feel it you know? Like we have to do what we know is right, even if we don't want to. Much easier said than done...I know! But maybe give it a try? I hate seeing you so down like this : /.
    Stay strong love!
    xxx
    Sarah

    ReplyDelete
  3. ElizaDecember 21, 2010 at 9:04 PM

    Ohmygod I am right there with you on the whole thing about feeling like you want your life to move forward. You're young though. The rest of your life will come to you when you're ready. Lol that sounded very Buddhist or something.

    ReplyDelete
  4. MeliDecember 22, 2010 at 4:05 PM

    I'm glad to hear that the family wasn't as bad as you expected-- and I can't believe your sister is getting so big!
    You'll figure this out-- you'll figure out how to get out of your hole. Look at all the other junk you've made it through. You will get through this, too.

    ReplyDelete

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"Feeling are ephemeral, so is life. We’re here one moment and we’re gone the next. If you keep living trying to protect yourself, nothing is every going to touch you."