I want a cigarette. I want the comforting and relaxing feeling. But... I hate the fucking stigma that comes with it. AND, I want to start running again. I've decided to start running again. I'm def at a weight where I can safely. I'm going to. It's a de-stressor as well. Plus, I need to start feeling better about myself. I need a change and something different. I really feel good about work today. I'm glad I have it. I'm glad how lax it is. It's a good fit for me right now. Plus, I reall need to start bringing in some sort of income so I can contribute to my therapy costs--- which is ridiculous.Part--a bit part of me wants to just not do therapy when Nancy goes on leave. I like Amy a lot. We connect, she knows me but...I'm quite sick of feeling like I'm under a microscope. I just want 3 weeks of freedom. I know I'd fall off track but I am quite convinced that once I get some freedom- I'll be able to really just concentrate on recovery better when Nancy comes back. Yes, I realize that is my eating disorder screaming at me. I'm not going to not see Amy. Amy stares under the microscope even more than Nancy... but because how I feel about this now- it just frustrates me...but I know it'll help me in the long run. My eating disorder thoughts are just screaming so loud right now and it's hard to fight. it's really hard to fight.
things NEED to change.
how i'm living now.
my attitude.
my head.
my thoughts.
my actions.
my behaviors.
MY HEAD.
this is not a life to live. at all.
xoxo -Lisa
you used to smoke??
ReplyDeletehaha me too..i miss it.
the best way to change things is so start small, you probably know this. make small change after small change and then one day you'll wake up and realize that things got a little bit better, then a lot better. just keep forcing yourself to have a positive outlook, i think that's one of the best things you can do :)
ReplyDeletebtw i picked up smoking for a bit, and whenever i'd walk around campus with a cigarette girls would look at me like i was disgusting. i hate the stigma as well.