I have NEVER had an adult authority figure in my life that I legitimately have let in other than Nancy. She said it herself today. She was so okay saying It made me burst into a million tears. She's right--- very right. I was thinking that I am closer to her than my own parents. I rely and lean on her more than any adult I have ever known. She explained our relationship as parental/guidance.... that honestly actually touched me so much. I can't hear her say I care about you without staring at her blankly because I want it to be true so badly but part of me is terrified she doesn't and is only saying this stuff because it's the "right, professional" thing to do.
I am NOT satisfied with my life right now in any way. I wish I could be fully functional, have a 40 hr/wk job and be okay. Be able to withstand the pressures of life w/out running away consistently. My head is spinning and I'm once again on two ends of the spectrum (at the same time)-- I just want to run really far from all of this, sink back into my hole...deep back into my hole. I hate how i feel about myself. I just want to rid myself of ...myself and really really just run from Nancy bc I am scared of my relationship w/her. I'm not supposed to be dependent. Although when I said that she mentioned how the human race was tribal.. dammit. The other end is just to work work work and fight this stuff. Do what's right. Eat HEALTHY meals 3 times a day and some snacks. HEALTHY is the key because I'm snacking on shit all day. Part of me is telling myself to love myself, treat my body well and start to feel better about myself. Do things that make me feel like I'm taking care of myself. Eating right, exercising in moderation, not self harming, staying healthy is the big one. mentally and physically. you know, as aggravated as I feel right now, just typing that last part out makes me want to do the second half. To be healthy.
:)
xoxo -Lisa
giiiiirl....the eating healthy part is hard for me now. it hasn't been an issue in past years since HEALTHY HEALTHY MUST EAT HEALTHY!!!!! was like my mantra for too long b/c of ED. i deprived myself of the shit food i really wanted to eat, and then used it as binge food b/c i felt bad about eating it! now that i've got that under control, it's hard to go back to eating healthy stuff. i mean don't get me wrong, i do eat healthy when i feel like eating healthy, but come on. i'd much rather have a piece or two of domino's pizza than a turkey sandwich and carrots that i made. trufax.
ReplyDeleteps. and don't laugh at my avi. it's rob patz and i <3 him. also trufax.