Today was a day that I really wanted to just get lost in a crowd today. window shop, walk around, be anonymous....to be nothing.
Nancy caught me off guard when she called. I knew she'd call before Monday because when she says she will, she does. But I was very quiet and just off during the phone call and then I burst into tears. I started crying and crying when we hung up. I couldn't stop. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to call her back, leave her a message bawling but what would I have said to her? Just that I'm a mess knowing this is my last week with her for a while? She already knows that...and unfortunately in order to stop crying and to get rid of the horrid feeling in my chest I did something I will for sure get repercussions for. I'm not going to lie to Nancy or Amy. I'm going to have to tell them, but it will help them understand...granted I stopped crying and I calmed down but part of me is thinking I could be doing this because I'm trying to scream out to Nancy I need her even more- I want her attention.
...but honestly even with those moments...I do have times where I really think the time that she's gone will fly by. I'll make it through with Amy, Eileen and my pysch. Amy is amazing, she's not Nancy but she's just as qualified and amazing. I'm just scared about when I have to leave Amy. It's not going to be as hard as Nancy leaving but...I will be legit leaving Amy. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. It's not for another month or so...
I can make it. I mean, when Nancy asked me today if i was okay...I did respond. I said yes, I have no choice.
I was supposed to see someone today and he hasn't contacted me and for the last few days I've been thinking that it's probably a bad idea just because I'm not in a good place to begin with right now, nothing to do with him. For the first time ever, I was taking a few moments for myself and I thought about him and I smiled. I didn't want to rip his head apart. But...still, I don't want to get more emotionally triggered. However, I am lucky though that when he and I ended things, Nancy told me about her leave so soon that I never had to really deal with his absence from my life. AND in all honesty...I don't want to deal with. I know sooner or later- I'll have to. but avoidance- one of my awesome talents. hah.
SOO...The fun starts tomorrow.
Monday- Amy, psych, Nancy
Tuesday- work
Wednesday- Nancy
Thursday- Amy, Nancy ( LAST SESSION )
Friday- work- let's see how well I function hah
Saturday- recovering from my week from hell
Sunday- MY FAMILY ARRIVES...
my family is a whole other topic...
If I were still in school- I'd call next week hell week but since there are no textbooks, lectures and all nighters involved ...it's emotional hell week.... well here's a small message to ED and LIFE.
"BRING IT ON."-Amy SB
did i mention she's hilarious
I can make it through.
even if it's in a mess of tears
i can make it through :)
I have no choice lol
so I WILL make it through next week
and the weeks after that.
AND AT SOME POINT ... ED will slowly start to back away...hopefully. I wish I had the strength today to just kick him back where the sun don't shine-- where he was a few weeks ago.
xoxo -Lisa
Woah. You have a lot of support throughout the week! That's awesome. My insurance company doesn't cover shit so we have to pay out of pocket for my therapist... I can only see her once every two weeks. It's sucky.
ReplyDeleteYou can get through this, Lisa! I believe in you. You're a strong woman. Hang in there. I'm here for you and I care so much about you.
ReplyDeleteI can so relate to the feeling of wanting to be anonymous/nothing/to disappear. Although sometimes, when it seems I can't get rid of that feeling, I want nothing more than to be able to feel something -- anything.
I also really like that pic/quote you included: "You will never know your limits unless you push yourself to them." So much truth there!
As far as the whole therapist thing goes -- I personally have struggled with my therapist's absences (as I've said) and am *not* looking forward to his upcoming week off (at least it's just a week). As Eliza said, at least it seems as though you have a lot of support! :) At the moment, my psychiatrist/therapist (one person) is all I have in terms of professional ppl.
Be well and take care of yourself! *big hugs* :)
Stay strong love, you can handle this!!
ReplyDeleteYou can make it through!
ReplyDeleteI believe you can kick ED for being such a jerk and show him he better get outa your life ASAP!
I like the quote you added. So true!
Stay strong girl, you can do this!!
Hey, if you like country music you might want to check out Going Through Hell by Rodney Atkins.
Take care of yourself!! <3
Lisa,
ReplyDeleteYou can make it through this time while Nancy is away. Showing yourself that you CAN do it will help you become so much stronger. I understand how you feel though, when I had to leave my first therapist to begin seeing an eating disorder specialist I was a wreck. I cried for 2 or 3 days and I ended up e-mailing my new and old therapist so that I could have another session with my old one. It was very hard, but over time I have become comfortable with my new therapist.
You're therapist will be back...it's only temporary love. I know you can hang in there and make it through. You're amazing and SO strong!
((hugs!))
Sarah
Hi Lisa, I'm back from living in the library! I'm currently trying to catch up on your blog.... but I wanted you to know that I think you're a brilliant, beautiful, and strong girl. So therefore, you can make it through the time without Nancy and you'll survive your parents too. As much as you dread it (as I always do too) time won't stop - thank goodness - so every moment is moving toward their departure. I LOVE YOU. Call me, beep me if you wanna reach me... I'll be there always :)
ReplyDeleteLove,
Megan