It's Christmas Eve. I'm at work- I don't think I've seen a single human face since around 4 PM which was roughly 6 hours ago. At least I'm paid. Tomorrow will be the same thing. I've never really had or gotten into the whole holiday atmosphere, I always find it great and fun to wish others a great Christmas because their faces light up and of course it makes my day a bit better...but still- not really a holiday spirit type of girl...just because i've really never experienced it...This last week in and of itself has been SO UP and DOWN. I'm in recovery mode one minute and the next I'm using symptoms. Literally it goes from hour to hour or even less. It's so exhausting. The rational part of me knows...I KNOW that UNLESS I WANT TO DIE ( which I don't ) that I have to accept my body for the size that it is meant to be....which I have manipulated so much throughout the years by either overeating and not giving a shit or undereating to a horrid degree- that I don't really know my set weight. i don't know what my body is SUPPOSED to look like. That scares me.
In session with Amy yesterday, we hit on something important. I never really thought about it before in this way. I want to be compact. I feel like as an Asian -even though I'm as white washed as they come- I've failed. I'm not in med school / law school, didn't go to a fancy Ivy league school, didn't make perfect grades and OH YEAH HAVE BPD AND AN EATING DISORDER. haha. right. I've always thought about "good asian girls" being small, compact, tiny, cute and...oh right all of the above that i didn't do.So, I've kind of I guess... just defaulted to wanting to be small and compact and since I am not 5 feet tall...i feel huge. I truly do feel HUGE. HUGE for an asian. I know...all asian girls aren't tiny but i just...i want it. i want to be tiny but loud, which is different as most people who want to be tiny want to "disappear". I do want to "disappear" but at the same time I want to pop back up and SURPRISE the shit out of people with my bold..."abrasive" ways as I've been told. I want to be small and loud. wtf.
I NEED TO ACCEPT THE FACT THAT I AM NOT 5 FEET TALL and no matter how much weight I lose, I won't shrink in size unless my body fucks up completely and I get osteoporosis ( which would be baaaddd ).I am working hard to attempt to accept my body size ( which i don't know what it is/should be- thus, me always panicking that i'm overweight maybe... who the fuck knows... ). I just know...I WANT TO BE NORMAL. I want to go out and enjoy food socially. i want to eat deserts and meals out without wanting to flush them down the toilet afterwards. I just want to not worry about that aspect of my life. I just want to eat healthy, stay balanced and just make sure to keep loose tabs on myself in this aspect...
This is my RECOVERY moment...give me like 30 minutes and I'll be back to hating myself and then 30 minutes after that I'll probably feel like this again. LOOOVVVEEE IT.
oh and guess what? I MISS NANCY (duh )
xoxo -Lisa
It sounds like your therapy session was really helpful! Don't you love it when that happens? I find it so rewarding-- like I actually spent my hour doing something positive for myself.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that, for at least this moment, you are in recovery mode. You deserve to be nourished, and you deserve to enjoy food. I know that may feel like it's a ways away, but I have faith you'll get there!
Merry Christmas! I hope you have a wonderful holiday.
Wishing you well,
NOS
That sounds like a hard way to go through the day. To pass through time not knowing your way. With feelings shifting the place where they lay. I wish you find peace wherever you may. And that one day soon, you leave behind this fray. May you have a happy Christmas day (i know its cheating to use it again), and know you have friends that care. K?
ReplyDeleteA little cheesy blurb for the holidays. Don't hate yourself Lisa, you have a lot to offer the world
As hard as it is to realize big, hard shit like that...it sometimes opens up and leaves a pathway so you can process it and heal.
ReplyDeleteI hope it works out for you that way...
Good luck, I miss you so much!
<3 <3 <3 <3
firs off excuse my typing, i got bit by a dog on my hand tonight and don't feel like typing right.
ReplyDeletehey pretty lady. you're killer insightful, i've always said that. but whats so tough about you is that you do really make such great and true observations, deeep for rreal crazy stuff most people never bother to even look for. but your incredibly thoughtful and creative and sometimes self loathing mind can also create/ succumb to falsities. i hate it for ya. cause i aint gonna sit here and pick out all the stuff i disagree with and know isn't true. because you honestly struggle with complete truths sometimes, as do i with my depression and ed and etc etc. just know that sometimes these deep dark pits and all are created, even if subconsciously. sometimes they aren't, and i've respect for those too. i believe you. but just know, the energy may be worth summoning. it may be worth it to fight a bit sometimes. think back on the times you've rebuilt a lost day, however few/ long ago. it is worth it, boo.
love you. merry christmas, whether or not you wanna hear it :)
hope you get my card in the mail!?
please excuse my blob punctuationless capitaliationless comment...
Cort <3
I can relate a lot to what you said about being Asian. I'm Chinese but was born and raised in Australia. Though, the majority of my friends are still Asian. And there is that pressure to do really well at school and all, as well as many Asians are small. I'd love to be a bit taller though- I'm the typical short Asian at 5"1'. I have that sense too that it's odd as an Asian to have depression, be self harming, have had an ED...perhaps it's just because it's the sort of thing that isn't really appropriate to talk about in our culture?
ReplyDeleteHope Christmas goes okay. Merry Christmas. x
Take care,
Cassie x
Aw I'm sorry/: I know what it feels like to be all feeling recovery & then totally hopeless. But what I do is, take a deep breath, listen to music, play with my dog, watch a movie so I don't do anything drastic or listen to the eating disorder. & don't feel like you have to fit a steryotype! You're special just the way you are(:
ReplyDeleteHave a great Christmas! You deserve it(:
Hang in there. Glad you touched on some poignant topics in therapy. Always makes me feel productive. Gotta love the ups and downs. Been experiencing a lot of them lately myself. Try and be good to yourself and "enjoy" the holiday as much as you can. This Christmas has been particularly strange for me this year, and I'm not taking it very well. Remember, you're a strong, talented, beautiful, intelligent woman with so much to offer. You can get through this! Sending you lots of love. *hugs*
ReplyDelete