The slippery slope cycle

Most of y'all know what I'm talking about. The beginning of a relapse or the beginning of the ED all together. You start out wanting to just lose [x] amount of weight and get to some goal weight. But you, well atleast me, since I've been using symptoms of some sort for years I decided the best and quickest way to get to this goal weight is to listen to the ED that had been in the background for a certain amount of time. I believe that from the very beginning to even now--- my ED has been whispering shit into my head. It's up to me whether or not to listen..

.and YES sometimes I do and YES right now...I'm not going to sugarcoat it- I basically AM listening to him. I'm also hearing my healthy voice but it's hard to do the right thing- I can think of it but DOING it is a whole different story. I just want to get back down to this [x] weight that I was a few months ago or something like that but then I realize...well I'm losing weight using symptoms...so what am I going to do once I hit this weight? I won't know how to maintain it- so as before- I will continue to use symptoms which will mostly likely cause me to drop more weight which will cause me to have a new goal weight and this spiral and cycle just keeps going.

Using ED symptoms is never sustainable unless we want to die from them. The goal and ending "win" of an eating disorder is ultimately death. I O NOT WANT TO DIE. obviously.

I need to get out of this cycle and at this moment I can't lean on groups and treatment centers. I have Amy and my dietician as my psych is retarded when it comes to EDs. I am going to really have to try hard myself. I believe that I AM strong enough....but it's now just a matter of how hard I currently want to try...

I really understand the consequences and what I am doing- it's not even about a  [ x ] weight for me. It is definitely part of it as it is AN EATING DISORDER but I know the connection this time. It's anxiety. My anxiety has gone through the roof and I'm nauseous almost all of the time which obviously makes it hard to eat.

I am trying- I know my anxiety is related to Nancy. I want to be able to stand on my own two feet and be okay. We'll see how it goes. I spent the last 2 nights sobbing on my bedroom floor. I also know this is my bpd kicking in hardcore. I get seriously angry at Nancy- I want to email and call her voicemail and tell her to fuck a tree and that I was never coming back to her and I was going to stay with Amy or just quit therapy. Yes, push/pull. I know. I first begged her not to leave and when I get angry- I just want to push her the fuck away. it's hard. Last night after bawling I was so angry at her for "causing" me to feel this way I really just wanted to tell her to FUCK OFF. but ...obviously it wasn't a feeling that was going to last. if I had done it....I def would have called back today begging for forgiveness....

So instead of deciding to cuss Nancy out and tell her how much I hated her at the moment- I decided...it was time to go to bed---Go seroquel and klononpin.

Also- due to my WONDERUL anxiety issues , if I want to eat and take care of myself- lately I have had to take klonopin through the day. And since I am TRYING...to an extent to take care of myself- my klonopin has been partially a life saver. I see my "wonderful" psych on the 27th. We'll see what he has to say as he thinks I'm not taking klonopin anymore. hah.


xoxo -Lisa