body image...

....I'm having bad body image issues right now. Along with just extreme emotional instability. I'm doing well today. I don't even want to go back to therapy today. I just wanted to not be looked at under a microscope anymore. I almost don't want the accountability--- I just want to do what I want to do and what I need to do to regulate and just...i want to go back to liking how I look or being at least okay with it. I know I'm so bipolar in my recovery...I want it. I really do want recovery.... but...at this moment in time, I just don't want to be held so accountable...part of me just wants to walk down my own path for a while. I just want a break...and everyone I've mentioned that to says...that scares them and I need therapy. I can't go without it. I don't like that thought. I even think that I NEED it. I NEED Nancy. I don't like NEEDING someone. I would rather honestly know I don't NEED anyone and I'm fine...by myself...being 100% self sustainable.

...although one of my awesome friends just pointed out to me that I looked fragile before and how I look now...is my perfect weight. I'm at the weight that my nutritionist wanted me at. In fact I'm a few lbs heavier. So, of course I feel gross. I feel fat- I feel horrible but... from the outside looking in. I bet it's not like that. sigh. this disorder. IT IS SHIT AND NEED TO JUST. FUCK YOU ED. FUCK YOU.

also. FUCK YOU BPD. GET OUT OF MY HEAD. sigh. why can't i just have one day...that's totally free of all of this. I know if I left therapy, these things won't go away...

xoxo -Lisa