I have plans for life. I have plans to go back to school- take the required pre reqs and get my Psy D. I am 100% positive that is what I want to do. I'm just itching to do that and start it. I hate sitting around - working part time- doing therapy twice a week ( i wish it were more to be honest ) and... having no goal- other than to sit here, self talk and to fucking eat like a normal person. Well...guess what? that gets pretty tiring, hard, annoying and just plain fucking miserable after ...a while. I really just want to say fuck this all and eat everything and anything- but uhm ...even though according to a waitress and my GP i CLEARLY don't have an ED ( haha- funny story to come... ) I know that I will end up purging. aren't i amazing, yup, wonderful.
Saturday night- Christmas night- I got home and after a short bit- I could not stop crying . I started and I know my heart ached over Nancy being gone but by the end of the two hours I had NO IDEA why I was crying. I went from my bed to my kitchen floor to my couch. I wasn't just crying as in a few tears but instead as in a way I had NEVER REMEMBERED crying before. I couldn't stop. I COULDN'T. I just wanted to sleep and have the day be over. Lunesta did SHIT for me- I took some klonopin --- still nothing--- then finally I said fuck it and took ambien as well...but I was still crying- way too anxious to sleep. So i broke my promise to Nancy that I wasn't going to cut*. I had to calm myself down so I could fucking sleep...and at some point I passed out...told my psych about this today- he wasn't too happy about it. He told me if I did that again- he was going to stop prescribing ambien and klonopin.
So, sometimes I lay in bed and I just wonder what I'm really doing w/my life right now. I don't feel like I have much of a purpose / drive for anything. Yes, I could volunteer somewhere but the problem is I don't have the drive to go out. I'm pretty sure I am in some sort of depression rut. Amy and my psych both are connecting that directly to Nancy so... I donno- I hope so too. I want these to go away- she's back in 2 ish weeks.I. feel. like. shit. i get to go to work tomorrow and sit and do nothing. as long as I stay away from food while I'm there, I think I'll be okay at work... in the i will have a handle on my bulimia.
my brain feels empty. i'm def in a rut- emotionally- my emotions are no where close to being in control. I'm eating- mechanically. I know what I need to do. But- I'm on autopilot and I'm completely aimless and in a way- in a daze.
* I don't cut deep- more like surface scratches so nothing to be worried about
* I don't cut deep- more like surface scratches so nothing to be worried about
the end.
xoxo -Lisa
Lisa,
ReplyDeleteThe cutting scares me so much hun. Maybe because I've never experienced it, I don't know. But thinking of you as so distraut and then cutting at the same time is terrifying. I don't want you to do anything to hurt yourself...you are too precious and valuable!! Always remember your goals regarding school. They may seem out of reach right now, but if you keep working towards recovery in every way they WILL be attainable.
You're beautiful and smart and talented...take care of yourself love. I'm thinking of you!
xxx
Aww, Lisa I know exactly how you feel/: I don't cut, but I've been getting urges too and I'm really depressed and really bored all the time. But we can get of out this rut! We can! We just have to try. Baby steps. I'm going to try to volunteer at some farm with some cute dogs & maybe try to find a group at the ED clinic I go to. We just have to get out there and try. This is just one chapter of our lives, it will be over soon(:
ReplyDeleteLisa i know exactly how you are feeling right now about waiting for the rest of your life to start.. being in the inbetween sucks, where you are supposed to have control but you aren't actually DOING what you want to do. but i know that you are so strong and that you can get out of this rut. baby steps! rome wasn't built in a day and we can't be 100% better as quickly as we would like to be either... but as long as we are taking baby steps we can get out of these ruts and get back to the lives we want. i know you can do it! stay strong and know i am here for you if you ever need someone to talk to
ReplyDeleteHi Lisa!
ReplyDeleteIt's La Donna your you tube buddy! Any rate I hate to read that you are so lost in this madness. I wish I could hug you and tell you everything will be okay. In truth these disorders are up and down battles, there is no cure . Yet, you can manage the symptoms and decrease or eliminate the behaviors. I know the pain is intense I can only encourage you to find one coping skill and use it daily!!!!!!! At this point music and blogs combined with writing are my skills . And no these aren't perfect tools but they have calm my soul. Let me know what I can do to help you, even though I'm going through the same battle !! I send my love and prayers!!!
Wow, you write as though you are inside my head. hope the holidays are treating you ok... good luck @ work - stay safe :)
ReplyDeleteDietcolaigrl Tia
Lisa, Hope you had a better day at work. I watched your vids. Loved them and I hope you keep doing them. Have you thought of linking them here? I am not techy, but I have seen people do that. I saved it so I can go back and look again when you make more. *hugs*
ReplyDelete