we are NOT trees

So, this goes without saying- you are not a tree- neither am I. You're probably thinking "No fucking way". Trees are stuck to the ground. Wherever their little teeny seed was thrown/planted/migrated/whatever i'm not a botany major. Trees can't move ( DUH ) so if something around them isn't helping it grow and become the wonderfully beautiful creature ( plant whatever ) that it is... it's fucked. SOL.

Since I am not a tree, I am not fucked ( contrary to what I tend to think ) and I can move. However, I have a bad habit of just picking up and moving ( geographically or just quitting ) when things get rough. Let's be real for a moment- run away- that's what I tend to do- run- far far far away. One way I see it is well...I don't like where I am- so well I guess I'm going to pack up my bags and get as far a-fucking-way as possible. Sometimes I think "Well, this obviously isn't working, time to try something else" -which actually makes a lot of sense and can be used quite effectively...AND I tend to spin that my own way. I'm very good at manipulating myself- better than I can be manipulated by others.

I will move but I will not run away this time. Running away has gotten me no where. I'm right back where I started- wait, I don't know where I started- well- I'm not back in China where I guess technically I was started. Okay, so geographically and literally- I'm not back where I started but y'all catch my drift. Right.

I'm so sick of trying to control everything. I just want to be. I want to be but I don't want to settle. If I were a tree- i'd be settling.

I am not a fucking tree. I will not settle. 

Frankly though, I'm so sick of fighting so hard to NOT settle. I just want to be. I just want some peace and silence in this brain of mine.  

xoxo -Lisa

Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer -Therapy Version 1.0 Featuring Tanya :)

ENJOY!!!

Old Pictures/videos and friendships

First off- I have a new video blog

Don't look back at pictures of when you were sick and in my case- video blogs as well. I was watching a video from pretty much exactly a mont ago which was shortly after leaving TK and I had lost a good amount of weight...which I have put back on...and I started to feel nostalgic and jealous of that girl. I feel like looking back at those pictures/videos is comprable to trying on clothes from when you were sick... just NOT A GOOD THING.

Also, so my life with ED. It SUCKS. ED ruins basically everything- it sneaks into relationships and tear them apart.

• My relationship with my parents are horrible. 
• ED has taken away my potential roommate whom obviously I am still friends with but it still sucks that we shouldn't so therefore can't live together. So therefore ED has taken away friendships in many different angles of my life
• ED has taken my best friend away from me because I was too entrenched in him
• ED has taken graduate school away 
• ED has taken away a possible relationship- well- I'm sure other things took that away too but I think ED played a part, I'll never know anyway- 
• ED has taken away 2 teeth of mine, like literally I've had to have my right bottom molars removed and I'm not getting implants so I can only chew on one side of my mouth and this isn't a temporary thing...

And what as ED given me?

• Osteopenia
• Anemia
• AND OTHER SHITTY ASS THINGS.

so the moral of this part of the story is ED SUCKS. PERIOD.

xoxo -Lisa

Defeated...

I was talking to a staff member when I basically flat out refused dinner. Don't worry guys, I supplemented...mostly. But, she just said to me- you sound so defeated...

...yup- that's basically the right word. Story of my life for... my whole life.

My family is refusing to pay for me to see a dietician so

•  I haven't been able to get support around food shit 
•  I haven't been weighed in over 2 weeks... and that almost makes my eating disorder really happy.

I just thought this was a cool picture.
 Not totally relavent to my post..

So, I was asked if I needed support around my food plan. Well, considering... my difficulty/fail in following the meal plan I'm on at the moment- no dipshit. But, I can't have it. Once again, story of my life. My response "It happens, we don't always get what we want or need. Just accept it and move on..." She basically was like, it seems like you've been let down a lot. Yeah, well- it happens to the best of us... life happens, shit happens, emotions happen...

sometimes ... I just have to push it down for the time being until there's TIME and ENERGY into dealing with it. Back to the same ole same ole of just stuffing/ignoring my emotions. It's just all been too much lately...I don't know when I'll be able to finally handle...anything. Everything seriously seems to be too much. EVERY LITTLE thing. I can't even look at a banana without panicking. For God's sake- I cried over animal crackers a few days ago...for my snack. 

I was talking to my roommate here and I was basically saying..."you've been watching me crash slowly since I got here..." she nodded... I mean, it's sadly the truth...My team here basically told me 2 weeks into being here that I was discharged from Timberline Knolls too early... ( I was fucking there for 4 months. wtf ) I saw a few of my friends from Timberline today at Insight ( where I'm at now for treatment ) and we were just talking and I get a lot of "you don't look so well, are you okay?" well, obviously not but *shrugs* once again, life happens. You know, we talked about how I went up and down at Timberline as well. I'd do okay, then I'd lapse, then well, then lapse- repeat and repeat. Timberline is the first treatment center I left behavior free for more than one week. I was behavior free for 2.5 weeks before I left. Well lie. I slipped up once but I didn't tell anyone. 

When is it going to better? 

When will I be able to look at food and not feel like IT IS GOING TO HURT ME.

When will I be able to finally enjoy my food again and not eat it like it's medication?

When will the day come when I don't look for my bones and body check? 

When... will this hell finally be over? 

     Am I just not cut out for recovery? Recovery is hard y'all. To just state the fucking obvious. 

When will I just be OKAY? Not great, not wonderful, not splendid...just okay?

• I just want to be okay.
• Is that too much to ask?

xoxo -Lisa

The hardest thing to explain is...

how I want help but how I also want so much to just be left alone...

"The worst days in recovery are better than the best days in relapse" - Kate Le Page

I ...don't know if I agree with this quote. I just don't. I can't think of how one of my recent horrific days in "recovery" have been better than my "best" days in relapse. I don't know. I may not be seeing the true reality of my days while I was in relapse. I can't even fathom if I'm actually in relapse now. I have no clue. All I know is that I am not ... happy or comfortable with where I am.

I hate my body. Nothing about it is comforting to me. It's not even that I think I'm fat. Okay, so the word fat does pop into my mind occassionally... but that's not even the main thing. I hate what my body does for me. I hate where it brings my head. I hate how it makes me assume things about other people. Most of all-  I HATE HOW IT MAKES ME SECOND GUESS EVERYONE'S INTENTIONS .. it makes me feel like i can't trust anyone. and most of the time my fear is validated and my body is the one that betrayed me. ( yet again. woo hoo )

it leaves me lonely. it KEEPS me guarded away from everyone...but maybe that's what I want right now...well it is what I want - but ...most likely not what I need.

I've been body checking a lot lately. I have no scale to help me see what I look like ( yes, I know that's what a mirror is for, but without a number- I'm at a loss - so I just assume fat... ) so therefore I start body checking, feeling for the bones again.

The last few weeks have been extremely rough for me and I feel as if I'm starting to come to a very abrupt stop in progress recovery wise. Following my meal plan has been hell and... very unsuccessful. Buildling interpersonal relationships has been hell and... slightly less successfull that my treatment team would hope but better than it could be.

I just don't know where to look anymore. I don't know how much hope in recovery I have left in me. I want to run away from the transitional living place I'm at, I want to ditch programming, I want to ditch meals...all in all- I don't know what i want to do anymore. ...although running away does sound like the best option...

so where do I go from here?

xoxo -Lisa

xoxo -Lisa

Can I rewind time?

I wish so much that I could find a time machine and rewind time. I was facebook stalking myself and obviously pretty much all my pictures from the last 2 ish years have been from me in treatment or me and friends from treatment. I miss those good times too- where I had so much fun, but yet I wasn't focusing on getting better- treatment was almost like a miserable camp experience except for the girls there. I can say quite honesty, Remuda Life was a joke- but mostly due to me. I spent almost every evening at the mall/target with my housemates and apt mates- who BTW- I LOVE :) up to this day.

Done by the beautiful & talented Madeline Carr.

However, as I started to go farther back into my pictures, I started to realize so much that I had lost. I had some great, true friendships both back in Indiana and from Atlanta. My best friend ( sister ) is barely talking to me anymore and we were connected by the hip in 2008-2011. It was a great friendship-I wouldn't trade it for the world. But, guess what? My disorder helped me to lose it. Not only that, I had some great times on say NYE 2009- I had A LOT of fun, but guess what? That was pretty much the LAST time I went out. I started to crash and isolate pretty much that year. My senior year was a wreck, I did nothing but  ED behaviors for the majority of it. I got so entrenched and addicted to therapy that everything else was put on the backburner.

I had an amazing experience doing crew in college as well, but yup my ED helped me move away from that as well.

Now, back to friendships- I basically have only a few friends left. They're great meaningful relationships and I AM SO THANKFUL for them. I just wish I had some of my other ones back. I know I've burned a ton of bridges so it's pretty much not going to happen and I'm so incredibly sad and pissed about it. But, at that time- I almost didn't care- all I cared about was losing weight, doing behaviors to numb me out from what had happened throughout the years. Things pretty much got worse after Rosewood in the spring of 2011... more memories started to arise and the more those came- the more I needed to numb out..fucking shit.

I've lost so much due to all this shit I've been doing for the past 2 years. I feel so incredibly shameful about it. I feel like I've done this to myself :( I've not only lost the healthy relationships I had with my "normal" friends but I've even lost many relationships with friends from treatment because I continued to get sick while they either got sick too or started getting well...I was basically drowning in my own sorrow and misery.

so, thank you for those that are still supporting me and also thank you for those that had supported me ( i understand why you had to leave ) at one time or another

I'm so sick of all of this- starting over ALL the time. I want to just rewind 3 years and redo everything. i'm so pissed. So, shouldn't that be enough motivation? You'd think but my ambivalence has me stuck- I've already lost so much that I can't get back... so almost- what's the point? Ya know? However, at the same time- I've STILL got a good support system and I refuse to screw it up this time. So, I've also got to get my shit together.

ONE DAY AT A TIME. o fuck that. ONE MINUTE AT A TIME.

xoxo -Lisa

Who am I?

A lot of people have an identity crisis. For a while, I called it my quarter-life crisis...until it got out of control and I ended up at TK. I was being incredibly reckless with my life. Doing things that I, as Lisa, morally never would have done. I just was a complete wreck.

I was in graduate school to get my M.S in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. I went to classes for one week and then...crashed hardcore and ended up in the ICU for 4 days and then at the hospital for a total of about 2 weeks. Then, I landed at TK...for 15 weeks. My time there really helped me

• get my creativity back- the art studio is AMAZING
• learn how to build healthy relationships
• learn who to trust and who not to
• set boundaries with both my peers and parents
• experience what a good therapist with boundaries is like
• learn HOW to utilize therapy 
• realize that honesty is the only way to recover
• realize that IT IS OKAY to be healthy

AND MOST OF ALL

learn who I am.

I am strong, brutally honest almost to a fault however I am not going to apologize for that because it is who I am and I appreciate that about myself. I have a good eye for reading other people. I have many faults as well, I distance myself emotionally from people when I am struggling. I do not cry at the appropriate times. I have MASSIVE boundary setting issues Yet, I am still a strong person and I ( most of the time ) appreciate life much more than I everhav before.

I met some amazing girls at TK and it hurts me to see just how much each and every one of them struggle. It breaks my heart to see a new resident walk through the doors of TK either defensive or scared shitless. It's always a heart breaking story of what landed her at the front doors of TK. I hope for each and every girl/man struggling with ANYTHING- not just ED, mood, addiction, suicide, depression, bipolar, etc... that he/she finds what I have found.

Don't get me wrong- some mornings I still wake up wishing I had never woken up but throughout the day--it gets better. IT IS POSSIBLE to recover from depression. IT IS POSSIBLE to HAVE FUN and be HAPPY. ( I had no idea what true fun or happiness was )

Yes, the hopelessness, suicidal, self harm thoughts have been with me for years so they will probably, if not always be in my back pocket. "It is okay to have it in your back pocket" <-- my amazing family therapist. However, now- I can fight those thoughts and make it through the day.

I'm taking it ONE DAY at a time. I have a goal in life for once and I am motivated as hell to get there.


xoxo -Lisa

I actually learned something...at TK.

So... today was one hell of a long freaking day. I started groups today at 9 AM. AND I started with art therapy...which I will say... I LOVED at TK. LOVED LOVED LOVED. Well...guess what? I am not a fan of the art therapy here... it's too structured. As soon as I checked out with that feeling, the art therapist asked if I came from TK. lol. I guess that a lot of former TK residents feel the same way.

I just also wanted to say...I miss my fellow BWOWs... ( beautiful women of willow ), even if the lodge was a bit ...okay A LOT  crazy when I left...there are a few current residents and a lot of past residents that I would defintely say are my TK sisters...that I miss a ton.  My "best bitches" :D

Also, I am meeting with my care coordinator tomorrow and I'm going to present my case for moving down to IOP either Friday ( if possible ) or next week. I already talked to my therapist who talked to my care coordinator to make her aware of how I was feeling. I do not feel like this level of care with some of the women that are in that same level of care...is helping me. I feel like it's actually making things worse. 

I knew I had learned a lot of things at TK- what I realized today was JUST HOW MUCH I learned at TK. I learned a hell of a lot and I honestly can say that my treatment team played a giant part in it. I do not feel like I'm getting jackshit out of any of the groups. I had empowerment today...and it was boring as fuck. I'd rather be in IOP- see my therapist 2x a week and get a fucking job and figure out how to take some classes until I can apply for graduate school next fall or something. In PHP, I don't get out until 5:30- most offices are closed by then. I'd rather give IOP a shot an if it doesn't work out- I can always go back up to PHP.

I just really need to fucking integrate myself back into society. I'm ready to move on- to leave the world of treatment behind and focus on how I can help others. 

xoxo -Lisa

Timberline Knolls- home sweet home

So, I left for Atlanta... as posted earlier. I had some "issues" that landed me at Timberline Knolls ( TK ) in LeMont, Illinois.

I was admitted on June 13th. I discharged yesterday on October 1st. I am now doing treatment at Insight Treatment Center and living at Millimium Place on Michigan Ave in Chicago. I'm doing PHP and I HATE IT. I am so sick of this intense level of treatment. I'm so sick of group after group... I feel as if I should just do 1:1 treatment a few times a week to work on my trauma and some other...issues.

I had a love/hate relationship with TK. I hated the entire first month...but once I started to utilize the groups and stopped acting out...I actually got A LOT out of it.

I had two amazing therapists....whom I got grossly attached to and now I'm struggling hardcore having left them. I have honestly never had as good of a treatment team as I had there. I will say for sure that TK saved my life.

I had a "great" time at TK. I defintely learned A LOT in my ALMOST FOUR FREAKING MONTHS there...I have never spent so long in treatment before. I have also never left a treatment center with the same INTERNAL motivation that I left TK with yesterday. 

Granted, the transition to PHP here in the city has been REALLY tough. I can't say I've been perfect and completely symptom free however ... I don't want to do this treatment merry go round anymore. I've looked up some community colleges so I can eventually get my MSW.

One thing I realized at TK is that I REALLY TRULY have figured out what I want to be- I want to be a therapist. No question about it.

I'm just so fucking sick of treatment at this level...for some reason I feel like I either want to go back to TK and do residential or...just do outpatient ( kind of black and white...I know ) but logically speaking, I've gotten the most out of the program I could have and it's time for me to move on with life.

ALTHOUGH I do not think I've gotten the most out of my treatment team. I wish they would do outpatient...


xoxo -Lisa

Away for 4 months

I've been gone, away from society for quite a long time. Since May 27th to be exact- so a little over 4 months. I was admitted into Timberline Knolls (TK) on June 13th and, today, October 1st is my first day away from TK in A LONG time. I'm doing a PHP program in Chicago, IL.

I'll update for real later...

xoxo -Lisa

Goodbyes...

I had my last therapy session here in Indiana today. Well, who knows? I might move back or have a session during a break, but for now--- my life has moved on in one way already. My next therapy session with a potential therapist is in exactly one week and like ... negative 19 minutes because it's at 3 PM. haha

I walked in not knowing if that was going to be my last session or not but by the end of it, I felt like I had gotten all I could out of it, so I told her I was going to cancel my last appointment and have this end on the good note it was on. I GOT A HUG! I real hug, not a fake kinda like spacey hug but a REAL one.  :)  those make my day. I love hugs. I'll miss her but not in the way that I "missed" Amy / Nancy. I put the " " in there because miss almost isn't the right word. More like... I don't know. But it wasn't just missing them. I felt like I had a hole in my heart. I will def miss my current therapist with all my heart but the relationship was much more healthy so the goodbye was an actual healthy and correct one. One I'd never had before. I am glad I was able to have a goodbye like that. I needed it. But nothing is forever, who knows when I might see her again.

Also a special mention: Happy Birthday Kristina!!!!!!!

I had a pretty good day today. I bought a pair of pants ( for $5 and theyre super cute )that probably will never fit me again unless I stay at this unhealthy weight which I shouldn't stay at. I need to recover. My body needs me to. I can't keep doing what I'm doing.... I'm just so ambivalent about everything. I don't know...

I guess I'm still kind of getting used to the fact that my therapy here in Indy is done ( for now ). Some things have already moved on to GA...therapy for one. I just need to pack. And like I said, nothing is forever. I'm not leaving anyone behind... just taking a vacation somewhere for school. hah. vacation and school in the same sentence. bullshit.



xoxo -Lisa

Ambivalence...my current and past best friend.

I am so ambivalent about recovery. One minute I want to just be skinny( and the voice screams really loudly ) and the next I want to be healthy and not think about my body and just enjoy life. Obviously one sounds much better than the other. I just wish ED would leave me alone because it just causes me so much anxiety and confusion.

I've called the place I'm going to transfer jobs to and it looks like it's going to go through. My student loans have come through and I've signed up for classes. Things are falling into place.

Except me. I am not falling place at all. One day I want this, the next I want something else ( ED wise ). I've come to peace with other things.

AMBIVALENCE is a bitch and an IDIOT. I feel like Ambivalence should have a name like ED. It's just as powerful in my opinion.

Right now, my weight is holding steady and I'm trying to hold steady but not for recovery reasons. Don't ask why. I just am scared of what will happen when I have the choice again.

I'm anxious about moving but more excited. LESS THAT 2 WEEKS. I need to get out of here. badly. away from the suffocation. I need more freedom. I need to learn to grow up and handle my "boo boos" on my own.

I realize that I'm spoiled. I mean, I got in a car wreck and 2 days later my dad gave me his car. A really NICE car. That, I am so thankful for and there are times that I don't want to leave the stability of my parents, but I know I need to grow up.

xoxo -Lisa

Cars, Scales, Moving and everything in between

So, since the last time I posted, I could say a lot as happened but yet a lot hasn't. To start things off with- while driving to EDA- i got in a pretty big car accident. Thank god no one in either car was hurt. BUT, that left me with no car for a good two days. I've been driving since i've been 16 so of course it was weird having my mom pick me up, drop me off, etc. But i was pretty startled by the car accident.

I initially lost a lot of weight in the middle of the month and was at my lowest weight but then once day I gained like 5 lbs and haven't been able to get rid of it. But, at this point, i don't care anymore. I'm just going to try and let it go. I don't know how well that will work, but good bye ED? for now? i don't know. It's still hard to not just not eat when it's a habit. I used too many double negatives dammit. It's easy to just not eat when it's a habit ( there we go ) even if I'm not trying to lose.

RECOVERING OUTPATIENT IS HARD. really really hard. especially in the situation I'm in. But on the bright side my dad ended up giving me his car- a nissan rogue, a step up from my old car fo sho.

My borderline is acting up a lot right now because I have 3 sessions left with my therapist and only 2 EDA meets left here. I've grown attached of course and I've seen my current therapist the longest out of all of the 3 other therapists I connected with and saw. I'm pretty sure she knows me the best in some aspects and in others Nancy/Amy might know me better. I don't know. I just know leaving is going to be REALLY hard. REALLY REALLY hard and I'm scared Shitless. I better get a hug. lol


xoxo -Lisa

I'm back. My parents found my youtube channel

Hey guys,
  Sorry I've been gone so long. I've had a lot of things going on that I just can't reveal over the internet.

My eating disorder has been screaming right now. I'm at my lowest weight and it's so triggering. It's scary but it also makes me happy.

I'm moving to Atlanta in May. May3rd! I am so freaking excited. Yes, I am not completely recovered and I'm ambivalent about recovery ( aren't we all to a degree ...) I have been going in and out and my weight is just fluctuating a little bit.

I'm going to grad school in Atlanta for a Masters in Science in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. I'm totally excited.

I'm also totally in love with my job for once- I teach ACT/SAT prep and it's great to work with the kids. One of them called me old... ( i'm 23...24 on April 23rd ) lol

I am just so impatient and can't wait to move!!!! The date is coming sooon!!! Hopefully my ED will be better by then...or at least kind of better. I'm going back to my old psych and I found a new therapist. Now I just need to find a family doctor. I'll update soon again!

xoxo -Lisa

The Bubble of Treatment

When you're in treatment ---- you're in a bubble. This bubble is a safe and comfy bubble. When you leave treatment- you burst out of the bubble. Outside of this bubble is the scary real world. The world where there are no BHTS ( Behavior Health Therapists ) , no eyesight to keep you safe when you feel unsafe, no constant support and no... bubble ( basically )

I HATE THIS REAL WORLD. I need to stay in it this time- for real- I need to learn how to be an adult and not run away each time things get rough. Remuda was well needed but in a way I ran away...from the world and my job and such.

I'm in a place where I need to create my own bubble as i've been told. Safe friends, support, safety plans and things such as that. I'm trying- we'll see how that goes. I slipped a bit last night with behaviors but it's a new day. :)

I hope everyone is doing well. Sorry I haven't gotten a chance to catch up on your blogs. I will soon! I promise!

Stay strong guys!




xoxo -Lisa

Remuda Ranch ( Life Program )

Hey guys! I'm back! ( again ). I've decided to continue to update- I was kind of worried about some random people ( well certain people I know, so totally not random haha ) creepin but yano what? I DON'T CARE. This is my life and my story.

So basically, On Oct. 20- I left for RLP ( remuda life program )- Remuda Ranch's residential program. I was in residential for a while and then moved to PHP for a short while. I lived in the apts they had rented for us- the apts were freaking awesome and so were the houses.

The residential facility was located in a private cul de sac in Chandler, AZ. When I first got there - the community was amazing- very positive and nuturing. By the time I left- the entire community had left- I was one of the people that had been there the longest and the community had flipped upside down- into negativity and just...it was so different. At first I didn't want to come home bc I was comfortable there and felt safe but by my discharge date- Nov 26, I was ready to go. 37 days

I had an awesome therapist there, My suicidal thoughts have gone down A LOT. The psych there was amazing. In all- I loved the staff.

The program has molded me into a new person and I hope it stays that way bc right now I have no desire to eat dinner....even though i only hate 3 hours ago but I WILL EAT DINNER. I will stay on the path to recovery! :)

STAY STRONG GIRLS- I'll update later to actually update y'all on what my plans for the next few months will be. :)

xoxo -Lisa

Remuda video

Gone for a while...I'm back

Hey guys,
   Sorry I've been gone for a while. I've just had a lot on my mind. It's just some stuff I didn't want to really write out in the open. I'm still contemplating writing about it. But food wise- I'm doing A LOT better.
   I had 2 slices of a small pizza yesterday AND two long islands ( drink ). CALORIES but yano what? I didn't care. I was enjoying my time. My ED has been doing lots better. But with EMOTIONS- WTF.
   All I want to do is RUN. RUN EVERYTHING AWAY. I used to do that. Anytime things get kinda rocky with my personally that doesn't involve my ED- I used to bust out like 8 miles.

  My tailbone is fractured- I CAN'T RUN- I'm going insane. I NEED TO RUN.

the end ( for now )

thanks for all your awesome support btw :) I really appreciate it


xoxo -Lisa

CHICAGO AND DAY 2!!!!

Today is going to be Day 2!!!! I'm so excited. I'm with my friend Kelsey- we made a video blog update. Link is here

we're going to go to Navy Pier , hang out and all that happy stuff.  :)

Today's going to be a good day!
xoxo -Lisa

I got a new job title!!!

I love my new job and my boss pulled me aside yesterday and told me they were giving me a new job titel! Sales and Marketing Administrator!!!! They're also going to bump me up to full time soon. Today was also pay day...

ED wise- no as succesful. Spent the last three days panicking and purging...but today I am going to go back on schedule. My therapist said if I stay on schedule for a month- she'll take a picture with me!! picture of my therapists help me alot- especially in crisis moments. So far, I've only gone a week on schedule but my goal this time is 1 1/2 weeks. I CAN DO IT!

xoxo -Lisa

4th of July Challenges

Thank y'all for the amazing support I got in my last post! :)

I wanted to quickly write a post about the 4th of July and the struggles dealing with this damn holiday. Cookouts...fireworks... swim suits...okay, mostly cookouts and swimsuits are the issues.

I have another cookout to go to today and I'm flipping out. It's a purge day ( on my purge schedule ) but yet, I don't want to purge... at all. I really don't but I'm terrified that I'm going to. I just hate being around so much food. I'm a born bulimic and trained anorexic. It's like a reflex to reach my arm into a bag of chips...

I CAN DO THIS. So can you! stay strong!!

xoxo -Lisa

Eating disorder, Support, Recovery

Eating disorder, Support, Recovery video link

xoxo -Lisa

Life with an ED- frankly

so... for some people... that just don't get it. I'm going to be fucking frank with what life with an eating disorder is like.

It's not just "I want to be skinny"- It's not recovery going up the entire way. There is NO timeline and it's a marathon. You've got to train for the actual race before you can race. The race won't always go smoothly.

I wake up every morning telling myself this is going to be a good day- then it's inevitable- I look in the mirror and.... I go to sleep everynight wishing that I don't wake up the next morning. That's how my day progresses...

I stare at food all the time wishing I could eat it w/out feeling guilty. Sometimes I eat nothing- Sometimes I stuff everything around me in my face and then go and stick my fingers down my throat in public restrooms so my parents don't know. I STRUGGLE and I TRY. But I'm not perfect.

Sometimes I eat, sometimes I keep it down.

Other times I don't... not because I can't but because my willpower ended...because I gave in, because I AM NOT PERFECT.

NO ONE has any right to judge me because I am struggling and THIS IS MY RECOVERY- no one else's - IT IS MINE and if you can't accept that this is me trying and this isn't me giving up.. IF U CAN'T ACCEPT THAT I AM TRYING... then I'm sorry.

BUT I AM. YOU CAN CHOOSE TO SUPPORT ME OR LEAVE ME. Your call. Not mine.

xoxo -Lisa

I HAVE to do this...

so day 3 came and went...before day 3 was over---in other words- I screwed up. It's day 0. I already screwed up a bit this morning. Tomorrow can be day 1 and WILL BE day 1. :)

...I don't know how I went from residential to now. I don't know WHERE the four months went. I guess I went to denver... then came home? But how in those 4 months did I let myself slide from eating 6x a day to struggling to keep ANYTHING down and weighing myself daily again? WHERE?! I remember when i first got to Denver- I was eating Einstein's Bagels...would I even touch that now? I wish. Soon though. Soon.

but I HAVE TO DO THIS (video link) -

I have no choice, unless I want to die. ( which most of the times, I don't..)

I don't have the option of residential, inpatient or any of those types of treatments. Not now, not with my job and my hours increasing, me moving up, no...I can't mess all that up because of my ED. Not happening.

THOR CAN GO TO HELL DAMMIT. ( I did just eat a grilled cheese and have NO intent of "barfing my brains out" <---- as my therapist calls purging.  )

I CAN DO THIS. I HAVE to do this. I will die if I don't. literally. If I keep sliding and don't catch myself- one day Thor will kill me....



xoxo -Lisa

Day 3? DAY 3? DAY 3!!!!

PLEASE PLEASE let today be day 3 of no purging! I CAN DO THIS...



new video update link- click here- it's short but shoutout to katie and jules- GOOD LUCK IN RESIDENTIAL! Y'ALL CAN DO IT!


xoxo -Lisa

:-) Had a good day!

I spent today smiling! I had a great sesh this morning with my T! Things went great. I got my work laptop today and got assigned a work email address- I'm finally legit. "I'm a big kid now" haha.

The ED part... I'm still struggling pretty hardcore but TODAY IS DAY TWO OF NO PURGING! I haven't had a day 2 in a long long time. I want to purge my dinner so badly and I feel like a moooo mooo cow but I can do this. I CAN do it. I HAVE to do it. I HAVE to learn to eat without purging. I have to learn to eat a normal amount. I can do this... I can deal with the weight restoration... even though i really don't want to.

xoxo -Lisa

Getting back up after a long fall down...

I have to get my ass in gear. Which means the first thing I need to do is lessen my symptoms...so i can GAIN fucking weight. That's the hardest part of this entire thing right now.

It's not like "Lisa stop b/p" - it's "Lisa gain about x number of lbs"

I CAN'T ( WON'T as my therapist said to replace all can'ts with won'ts ) do this.

WEIGHT GAIN MAKES MY ED FLIP HIS SHIT.

I CANNOT go back into treatment. I have a feeling if I get weighed at this weight- I'm going to be thrown in the php program here. I have an AMAZING job that I can't lose. I need to do this and also- I need to learn how to live and stay in recovery in a normal life setting. I've been in enough treatment centers to know WHAT to do. I have to work hard and do this...

but it's soooo hard.... the idea of weight gain. HOW DID I LET MYSELF SLIDE THIS FAR OFF THE RECOVERY WAGON?
 
Can I do this on my own? It seems impossible to just do it on my own....( by own i mean with an outpatient team...not ALL ALONE )

I NEED TO RECOVER.

HOW THE HELL DID I LET IT GET THIS FAR?!


xoxo -Lisa

let me introduce...

...Thor. Thor is a bastard. Thor is a cunt. Thor is ruining my life. Thor won't go away. Thor is constantly yelling at me. Thor abuses me. Thor calls me bad names and discourages me. Thor is my abusive boyfriend that won't go away. I am technically "single" guys. I'm as "single" as one gets. Thor is my eating disorder. Yes, I named my ED. I don't want to just call it an ED. I want to put a name to this creature that is ruining my life.

I made another video and despite what I said in my last post- - -I'm going to link them. ( changed my mind haha )   

My insurance changed... my benefits suck now. I am only allotted 30 therapy sessions a year ( 30 seshs that my insurance will cover ) IN network.

I just realized that in my first video I was talking about how I applied for a job at the Apple store... HAHAHAHA. That was in Atlanta and I now live in Indiana with a corporate job. Wow, life changes fast....

My scale is lying to me. End of story.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AQtvhb0xbFk



xoxo -Lisa

Time to be brave...

...time to own up to my actions. I've got to tell my therapist that today was one big giant fuck up mess. When I self destruct- I guess I go all out. All of my coping mechanisms ( well healthy ones ) fly out of my head and instead I use every single self destructing behavior I have. WHY do I do this? WHY DO I BINGE/PURGE? WHY DO I TAKE LAXATIVES? WHY DO I CUT? WHY DO I RESTRICT? WHY WHY WHY DAMMIT....

I'm struggling right now. I have moments of really wanting recovery- of really trying and I have other moments where I just want to give in. I have nothing left in me to fight sometimes. I just want to lay down, fall asleep- wake up and have everything be okay.... to have a good day---- one that isn't interrupted by ED thoughts every few minutes. I just want to be okay... that's all I ask for.

Nancy still hasn't responded to my email and she probably never will. that pisses me off and makes me feel like shit. I think I need to cut all ties with nancy and amy...but that saddens me...A LOT. TOO MUCH EVEN. AGH. I don't know.

I think I might start vlogging again... I'm not going to post on here everytime that I update my vlog but I will post the link to my youtbue channel this one time.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OogKyCF-wwc&feature=channel_video_title
 
xoxo -Lisa

I don't really feel anything...

I feel pissed sometimes but other than that... I'm not feeling. I'm numb. I feel fat and numb. That SUCKS. This would have been the weekend I would have gone down to Atlanta to see my friends and have a goodbye sesh with Amy. I don't know if I want a goodbye sesh with her anymore- things have kind of changed. I guess I'm upset about it. I don't know. Still kinda feeling... NOTHINGGGGGGGGG...

I emailed Nancy last night- nothing yet... *fingers crossed*

my life is a joke. one big sarcastic joke.


xoxo -Lisa

Gaining...

I'm going to enjoy food. I'm going to restore my weight. I've flushed my laxatives, I'm going to keep my scale though...

but I am going to start enjoying food- this doesn't mean binging but eating when I want to/am hungry. I'm going to NOT obsess about my weight. I'm going to move on with my life...right? right... I think I can do this. Why is it so hard to be sure?

recovery is possible.

xoxo -Lisa

After a 7 AM appointment

I feel better...I spoke with my therapist and she constantly reminded me that she cares, that the reason she couldn't respond to my email and phone calls were because of something personal that happened. She wasn't ignoring me and telling me to go do this myself. She is well aware that I CANNOT do this myself. We discussed how she would respond when she does and things such as that. I think I can work w/this. If not, we also discussed maybe that I need a therapist that can offer different things... I don't want to be kicked out again...

In terms of my ED- All I hear is this "I JUST WANT TO BE SKINNNNNNNNYYYYYYYYYYY" Yeah, having a hard time coping with my weight and what I eat. It sounds so vain and stupid. please don't judge me. I wish this were easier. I see others eat and I wish I could do the same...I started using laxatives but I told my therapist I'd take things one day at a time and not take any...for today.

I can do this?


xoxo -Lisa

i feel oddly functional...

...and I'm not doing so well eating disorder wise...but I feel totally functional. that makes me even more on the fence about recovery. ALSO- fml- boundaries. I hate them. My current t never emailed me back and it hurt so much that she didn't. Amy was late in responding to an email too so that hurt as well on top of A( my t ) not responding to my email and she probably never will. I had to cry in hysterics for her to offer me her work email address.

...things are just so different treatment wise. I don't really want to move forward treatment wise from where I am right now bc I feel fine.

xoxo -Lisa

Learning to be alone...

...with most of my friends having graduated college... it's really a time for everyone to kind of learn how to be alone. Graduating college means that your social circle scatters, people leave for home, jobs and whatever else takes them away from where they just spent the last 4 years of their lives. 4 years of torture, fun, love and hate all at the same time...

I had to learn how to be alone last year, after I graduated and lived on my own. I was lucky that a lot of my friends were still in atl....but now having moved home ( yes, back to the ole nesty nest ) where I'm reconnecting with old friends but at the same time- I'm more alone that ever in a way. I may be home because I needed someone to take care of me ( thank you eating disorder for taking away my freedom ) but I feel alone- really alone. But I need to sit with it. I have no other choice.

I'm on the fence about recovery.

I finally have a job I like and it pays quite well :- ) and I'm getting by with my ED right now so it's hard to be all gung ho about recovery when I feel like I am being successful right now -- I don't feel dysfunctional anymore...

it's weird.


xoxo -Lisa

Costco panick and bpd

So, in an effort to get me out of the house, my parents dragged me along with them to costco ( big warehouse store ) and I flipped out ( silently )... i saw so many foods there that I WANTED to be able to eat...but I just won't allow myself to eat. THUS- PANICK ATTACK...

well. fuck me. there are a million great food items out there ( SUCH AS DINO NUGGETS that I USED to LOVE :P ) that I would love to be able to eat now. Yes, DINO NUGGETS- judge me all you want...

I just want to not care what I eat. the end.

also- my bpd is kickin in. hardcore. 

xoxo -Lisa

My mind is spinning

I've had a few good moments ( the weather is getting so much better here ). I have awesome friends that have been a wonderful support system and I don't know how I'd live w/out them. My therapeutic support on the other hand is kinda lacking and it's pissing me off. I don't really know what to make of it. Maybe that's how it's supposed to be. I just have no access to my team at all if I'm not PHYSICALLY in the center.

My head is spinning with thoughts at the moment... good ones and bad ones. I've had a few really bad body image days which aren't helping with the ED symptoms. I'm probably at my lowest point with ED symptoms right now... except maybe before I left for Rosewood...not sure...

I just feel as if I need some more therapeutic support or maybe that I was spoiled and need to learn to lean on others and myself and not on therapists.. I just remember Nancy telling me that it was okay to lean on her, sometimes I needed that. WELL I NEED IT NOW AND WHERE IS SHE? not here. great. wonderful.

but I'm determined to make today better than yesterday. one step & day at a time. baby steps. 

xoxo -Lisa

It's not you, it's me... literally

Why is it so easy for me to just self sabetoge? My therapist and I were talking about that today. She was saying how I've sabotaged most relationships- therapeutic or not- i've been in. Thus, instead of getting rejected/abandoned I sabotage the relationship and then there is a reason the person left. ie- I was cutting too much. ie- I screamed at him weekly to walk away from me ( yes...I did that..FAIL ). I then have a reason as to why they left- it wasn't ME but someTHING I did. Thus, I can think it wasn't me... it wasn't me...but really...i was me.

xoxo -Lisa

Did therapy ruin me?

I've become addicted to therapy? Has it ruined me? Sometimes I really wonder if I would have been better off never being in therapy... I feel like I was a much more functional person before. I got so attached to Nancy and then Amy that I feel like they've ruined me. I feel like I've lost a parent which is a really hard thing to go through...

...one of my friends yesterday told me that Amy would "of course" see her after she got back from ip/res... Amy definitely did not say that to me. She said maybe and then when I said if I did transfer if she would help me transition and she said yes. The fact that Amy rejected me and took my friend on...sent me into a horrible frenzy.  b/p , cutting, yup- the works. I don't even know if I can bare to see Amy anymore... not mad at all at the friend- my craziness is beyond her control and Amy's..just wish I weren't so crazy ... fucking borderline.

SO, I got myself another job- in sales and marketing with a company here in town. I'm excited. I told them about my situation and they are willing to work around my therapy. I can randomly up and leave when I need to as long as I get my work done... YAY! one major positive thing. And the pay is really good tooooo.

smile Lisa smile. I can get through the day. One day at a time--- great, now I'm talkin to myself..

xoxo -Lisa

Trip to the ATL

So I'd been planning a trip to ATL in June...and now- I'm not quite sure if I should postpone it. I really want to see my friends down there and I really want to see Amy but the entire trip is going to cost me close to $400 which is kinda all I have in my bank account...

I WANT to see my friends and I WANT to go- I just don't know if it'll send me into a panic and depression because I want to be there so badly- I'm scared of that part. I'm actually terrified that I just won't want to leave once I'm down there... even though I have to...but yet I WANT TO GO--- I'm just scared...

I'm scared it will bring up old things, but it could always help...I don't know. opinions?

xoxo -Lisa

I needed you

A...( my t ) I needed you last night but I had no way of getting ahold of you. Nancy, I needed you last night but you kicked me out. Amy, I needed you but I am no longer in your care...

I needed someone last night. I thank Marie for talking to me. I really do. I needed someone. If this were a few months ago - I would have called Nancy/Amy screaming, bawling and throwing a fit.

I can't believe last night happened. I can't believe that my 2 best friends in the world... one ended up in the ER and the other set her boundaries with me. I'm not sure if she thinks setting these boundaries will force me to get better but right now I'm just upset, I understand why she's doing what she's doing but I'm angry.

Borderline is ruining my life... borderline and ED. RUINS IT.

I woke up this morning- forgot to take my meds. binged and purged and then decided that my life sucks so I quit my job too. Now I'm jobless, bloated and feeling shitty. One thing I have yet to do is cut...who knows if I will. I don't know right now if I have the strength to not... I don't know. A doesn't care if I do or not and that almost bothers me but yet that also can keep me from doing it because it seems so stupid, but yet it's not.

fuck this.


xoxo -Lisa

work...

I was reading Sarah's blog about work and I get that way all the time, even now. I get such anxiety before work it's insane. I know I can do it- I know what I need to do there- I've gotten good feedback but there are so many days that I just want to cry and scream that I can't, can't, can't do it before I go, days where all I want to do is hide and cry--- but gotta put that smile on and go. Time to be a big girl ( hopefully )... at least for now. I think the Stepping Stone idea that Sarah wrote about is a good idea. I've only been at this job for ... I believe today was my 4th shift and the anxiety I get about GOING- just GOING is so much. Once I'm there, I'm okay. It's just GETTING there. I wish I knew why...

I feel like the longer I struggle with food- the harder it gets. This shit has got to stop soon but there's a part of me that just wants to continue to lose. If 100% of me wanted to get better- I'd be better. I know that- where there's a will- there's a way. My mom is at a meeting right now at the Charis Center ( Center for EDs ) for parents. I'm nervous about what they are going to say about how to deal with me... lately it's been pretty difficult since I've been refusing food... yeah. I'm regressing to back how I was before I went to Rosewood- liquid calories... safe foods..

This way of life is so temporary unless I want to die from it..SO WHY THE FUCK DO I DO IT??? WHY? yeah ... Anna (my new t)  would ask me the same thing...she asks me why a lot, especially if something makes me feel shity "so if [insert action] makes you feel like shit and guilty, sounds like a good idea ( sarcasm, obviously ) so why do you do it?? " I'm really starting to like her and look forward to our sessions ( even though they have to be at 7 AM ) because of work.

xoxo -Lisa

ps- haven't cut since Saturday =) HOLLA.

There's a time...

... for healing
There's a time for all purposes under the sun
There's a time for laughter
There's a time to let go and a time to hold on...


I feel as if I'm doing better this afternoon. This morning was a shitshow. I probably "mini-purged" 10+ times. I havn't cut today which is good. 


I've told my parents how much I'm struggling but I'm hoping things turn around for me soon. 


I weighed myself today- which is stupid- dumb idea- dumb dumb dumb- DUMB. goddammit- dumb. 


I just want things to be better, maybe I need another change in my meds. I can get better. I CAN. I CAN.

xoxo -Lisa

wtf...

...I binged this morning- purged when I walked into work. I had an hour lunch break, spent the first 30 minutes praying that I wouldn't b/p...spend the next like ... 8 minutes shoving half of panera's pasteries into my mouth and the last 20 minutes of my break purging in the bathroom... oh and then I went and ate some pizza that our boss brought in and of course ended up in the bathroom at work. OH RIGHT and then I came home and continued to cut up my left shoulder with my ever so dandy razor. I hate my life. WHY CAN'T I GET MY SHIT TOGETHER?!

I finally got a full time job- yes, it's not the best ever- it's not exactly what I've wanted - I wanted a secretarial position. The place that took me out to eat to talk about my ED is still bugging me to work with them and I just have no idea if I can or not- so I took this other job. I'm full time but part of me wants to ask if I can be part time, but I have nothing else to do with my time anyway... but it's just tiring working and OH YEAH WORKING IS SUPPOSED TO KEEP ME FROM BINGING AND PURGING. RIGHT. RIGHT. RIGHT. FUCK ME.

xoxo -Lisa

Still sitting in shock

...the job that I was offered- the boss took me out to lunch to discuss my EATING DISORDER. LUNCH. WTF. This is what happens when one gets jobs through asian connections- people talk- WAY TOO MUCH. So, I turned the job down- I was in shock when she started to ask my about my "disease" as she called it. I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED. I sat through it smiling, answering questions and asking if she had any other questions when all I wanted to do was cry, scream and throw glass plates on the floor...

on another note: I wrote Nancy an email expressing how much she meant to me and what a difference she made in my life. I had to make sure she knew and she responded well :) I don't understand how I can be so mad and love someone so much at the same time.

xoxo -Lisa

The saga continues...

OMG- so I did end up emailing Nancy and the whole thing turned into a clusterfuck all within one day. She expressed concern about me meeting with her and wanted to speak with A about it. I got really upset and emailed her back and she emailed me back in a very stern/putting up boundaries but soft way. I'm still not very used to her with these boundaries... in fact- I'm not used to them at all. All it made me do was curl up into a ball and cry. I cried for atleast one hour straight and then stupidly got out my razors... way to go Lisa.

Then due to this whole fiasco I emailed Nancy and said fuck it ( well not those exact words ) but basically I've decided I am not ready to see you and I want to leave things where they were before I emailed you.

Y'all were right. Some relationships just end and I have to learn how to deal with it. It still sends me into a reel of tears though. Why does one person matter so much to me? WHY?!

xoxo -Lisa

ps- I got offered a big girl job- one for college graduates- full time- etc. and of course instead of celebrating yesterday i spent the day in tears over Nancy. GREAT. JUST GREAT. >.<

but on the bright side- I didn't purge on Monday and only purged like twice yesterday. Hopefully no purging or cutting today.

sit with it...

I had my first session with A today that wasn't an intake. It went really well I think. She's a lot softer than I expected and her boundaries are a good thing for me. I need to sit with a lot of things in my life that I really don't know how to sit with. The first one being the feeling of being full. The second one being emotions in general...speaking of emotions...I started to discuss my relationship with Nancy with A towards the end of our session and of course burst out into uncontrollable retarded looking tears. I wish just wish I could truly explain how I feel towards that relationship. It makes my heart hurt thinking about it and it confuses me so much. It's not like a breakup feeling but yet it is. Sometimes I wish I could just let Nancy know how much she hurt me but I don't know... I really don't.

I'm going down to Atlanta in June and I am debating if i should ask Nancy if I can meet w/her so that I can tie up some of the loose ends I'm discovering now. I have questions to ask her and things I need to say. Yet, I'm afraid that she'll reject me and say that she doesn't think we should meet. I'm terrified of that and I don't think I could take no for an answer... I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I want to use my voice but I'm terrified.

Sometimes... I wish I could just have other people KNOW how I feel. It's too hard to always express it. It's too hard to be in recovery. I didn't purge today but lord knows how little I ate as well...I just can't ...seem to get away from symptoms. It seems to be one or another. 

I don't know- i just know I haven't purged today and I don't want to fuck that up. :)

xoxo -Lisa

I'm done trying

I'm just going to do it...yesterday's goal didn't work out so well so I'm just going to make it NOT an option to purge- I'm done "trying" not to purge- I'm just not going to allow myself to get to the point where I'll want to. And if that means starting off w/restricting- then so be it. I need to stop purging is the point.

I see the stern therapist tomorrow- I'm going to call her A. I am actually quite excited and nervous to see her...I hope it goes well. I also have to go to our local community college- 45 minutes away - to sign up for classes...boo.

xoxo -Lisa

I went with my gut

I chose the stern one. My gut was telling me that was what I needed to do. I'm scared and I had a dream that the Charis center switched me to a different therapist because she didn't want me/they decided I was too much for her. weird dream...

Also- I realized this morning- I've lost my hunger/fullness cues...AGAIN. fml. I can't eat and eat and won't realize i'm full until I'm massively stuffed and need to purge. I HATE IT. I haven't gone one day without purging in a long time. I had a bit of a slip up this morning- REFLUX ( hate it ) but I'm not counting it. TODAY WILL BE DAY 1. I hope. My family won't be home for most of it so I'm not sure...I'm scared to be honest. I want it to be be day 1 but I'm just not sure...I'm just hoping. I want to be able to eat like a normal person without feeling like a pregnant manatee. I want to feel satiated without stuffing myself to the core and then purging. I want to stop bloating myself with my purging. I JUST WANT THINGS TO EVEN OUT...why is it so damn hard?

xoxo -Lisa

Decisions...

....well it looks like I found a psych, primary care doc and nutritionist at the Charis center- all that is left is a therapist. I'm not sure if I can see the others if I don't see the therapist is the problem...that leaves me with what I feel like is no voice... isn't that great?

I have an appt with another outside therapist tomorrow afternoon and if I like her- I don't know what I'm going to do... part of me wants to cancel just in case I do like her so I don't have to deal with the issue and instead just see the stern therapist who seems nice... but I like to have my options open...should I just cancel? UGH. I don't know- I don't like to just throw away an option if I don't have to. I have a good feeling about this therapist but I've had a hell of a time finding a psychiatrist...the one I saw the other day I did not like at all...I guess if it comes down to it- I'll see the new therapist and the odd psychiatrist.

I was thinking in the car while driving home if I would live my life over again the way it's been and the answer to that is a big fat fucking no. I would do so much differently. I know this is a total case of the what ifs...but i would have pretty much ...been more perfect. I know that sounds ridiculous but I wish my grades were higher so I'd have more doors open for me for graduate school- I'm totally regretting some of my undergraduate nights that I should have spent at the library instead...oh yeah and the day i started purging and cutting- that too...o right- also the guys I dated- would I do it again because I learned something or whatever that cliche is? NO.

I'd keep my support and friends though- those are basically the only relationships I treasure.


xoxo -Lisa

I hate dating

I had to leave my two babies in Atlanta so today I went out and bought "Puffin". She's adorable. Gray tabby...

I've seen 9 therapists in the last two months of my pathetic existance and i'm getting so sick of it. I saw someone this morning who had me pegged from the beginning. My borderline- dependency issues. She warned me she'd put up really strict boundaries and etc. She knew what she was talking about but it seems to me that she's already pegging me to be the typical manipulative borderline ( okay...which I may be ...) but dude, I want a chance. I still don't know if I want to see her though, she just seems so ...warm but stern. Am I ready for stern? Amy was badass but I woudn't say stern- Nancy...stern, no. warm? yes. amazing? yes. STERN- I AM NOT USED TO.

I don't know what I'm looking for in a therapist but I ain't finding it and it's PISSING me off. I'm starting to wonder if any decision I make is right, I seriously... wonder sometimes if it's even possible for me to make a decision that's good for me or if I just need others making the decision for me right now. I've realized in res/inpatient it's not like we get to chose our therapist either- I'm just throwing too many away...but I mean in all honesty, I didn't like them. WHO THE HELL KNOWS? WHY IS THERAPIST CHOOSING LIKE DATING? I HATE DATING.

xoxo -Lisa

Independently dependent

- - - - - - -from (8/09/2010) my old blog (http://consequencesofimpulsivity.blogspot.com/)... I feel the need to share this again...

It wasn't until recently that even my closest friends knew the true distorted inner working of my mind. Had many of them known, I don't think I'd have any female friends. Another thing that is between me, my therapist and the long gone Dr. M. It was a way that I was vulnerable to Dr. M and NM to a far greater extent than I had been to anyone else in my life. They knew the darkest secrets within me. It forced me to trust them and need them more than anyone ( even my parents ) before. It forced me to discover the two particular sides of me.

The half of where I am strong, independent and self sufficient and basically a hardened facade that I think most saw through anyway. I would make it seem like I don't get a shit, i'm too tough to be hurt, i'm a big girl, i can take care of myself, i don't need to trust a soul. To that side of me, trust was an open invite to be completely fucked over. To me, this side was male. Only one problem here... I'm not male. I'm female. there is no denying that. But this side of me is a portrait of manhood as I perceive it to be. I often joke with friends that I forget that guys have emotions too...that's because part of me truly believes they don't and I want to be like that too.

The other half is the vulnerable one, whom I am not nearly as comfortable or familiar with, whose presence seemed to have been given life through extreme situation and therapy. When the other half of me made a giant barricade of walls...or bubble wrap (joke) in self protection. This other half, who I dubbed the female was the antithesis, a font of raw openness.. I trust the wrong people and could not make sense of those who would not return such trust with love. It was if the vulnerability itself, the willingness to be fucked ( both figuratively and literally ) would somehow protect me. This part of me is ruled purely by emotion, always thirsting for love, seeking it everywhere with anyone and suffering great pain when it didn't ( DOESN'T) work out. I'm intimidated by power, never seek it and was content to be a follower if it would gain acceptance and love.

I was as dependent as I was independent ( one half and the other, two extremes ). I would give myself up completely if i could only, somehow be taken care of and when that didn't work I screamed self sustainability. That I didn't really need anyone and I would tell myself, never again would I let the emotional side take over.

Neither fragmented identity of mine is admirable. Both are such extremes it's sickening. Neither appear worthy to me or lovable. But atleast i could respect the tough, self sustainable side, which is, perhaps, why i tried to show this side more Each side I have hates the other. It's the tough side that I have a hard time giving up, the walls, it's been protecting me and my mechanism for survival. I need to meld the two together and find a balance and stop only respecting one extreme and finding the other sickening. Being a vulnerable female is fine for anyone else, but not for me...It's inconsistent and I know it makes no sense.

Given an honest choice, I'd prefer to be emotionless and ignorant. But...no not really because as someone very wise once said to me... only the lucky ones get to dig deep into their problems and truly know. ignorance isn't bliss. ignorance is embarrassment almost.

xoxo -Lisa

I don't know...

Despite the bitching that this post has, I'm trying to be hopeful but sometimes I wonder why I even try...

I'm flying back to Denver (I wonder what I have to do to become a flight attendant?) and my lay-over was in Atlanta. I had to pretend I wasn't there in Atlanta. I miss my friends there...a lot. I was talking to J and A while I was at the airport and pissed as shit that was like 20 miles down the road from them and couldn't see them and probably won't get to see either again for quite a long time.

Then on top of all that, the one therapist that I was hoping for told me she no longer takes my insurance and charges $125/hr which is actually cheap for a psychologist but I saw Nancy and Amy ( out of insurance network ) for about 9 months and ran bank accounts dry by doing that= so thus, I can't see someone who doesn't take insurance again. FML. Why do some medical professionals not take insurance?

I'm supposed to do an intake at the Charis center for ED Monday. Hopefully someone I'll be able to get some decent therapy and support there because God knows I need it. I've gone over a month without anything stable and supportive when I used to never go more than 2-3 days without speaking to Nancy... the fact that I've hung on without trying to commit suicide astounds me ( although in all honesty, I've thought about admitting myself to the acute unit a few times.. :-/ ). I've been crying a lot more- I feel as since Nancy told me she was going to go on medical leave-- since then in november, i've cried more in these last 4-5 months than I ever have in my entire life.

xoxo -Lisa

I WANT TO TURN BACK TIME

enough said. I'd like to turn back time to uhm... December please. I hate this shit right now. I can't settle in anywhere--- I was nice and settled in Atlanta and I had to ruin that by going to Rosewood, kicking Nancy away, moving to Denver and just FUCKING EVERYTHING UP.

all I had to do was get ahold of myself back in January+ February...but NO...what did I do? FUCK IT UP. Now I can't seem to find shit.

It took me proding and being an annoying bitch for the treatment center here to call me back and I HAVE SEEN 8 THERAPISTS IN THE PAST FUCKING GODDAMN 2 months and NOTHING. NOOOTTHINNGGG.

I can't find anything that is helping me.


xoxo -Lisa

I'm back home again

moving anywhere is hard. I had forgotten just HOW hard. Being back home right now is hard. I know going back to Denver on Thursday will be hard.

I've almost been missing the nice little bubble of treatment. I forget sometimes how miserable I was when I was there. I forget how everyday I was there I wanted to get out, how I hated almost every single staff member...I forget those and even though I just wrote that all down- I don't feel it...not like I used to. Instead, I'm sitting here ( with freedom ) wishing I could somehow go back. Yet, I know I can't relapse on purpose to go back...the real world is going to come eventually...treatment is an avoidance of real life but i can only avoid so long. At some point--- I HAVE to enter back into it. I HAVE to get a real life job- I want to hide away and be a serial student...I REALLY DO. IF I COULD DO EVERY PHD program in the world- I WOULD.

I hate this. I hate having my hands tied... which is how I feel. stuck. very very stuck. My dad asked me why I drew this picture...I couldn't answer him honestly...

xoxo -Lisa

xoxo -Lisa

So- about Denver. Want for me to admit it??? I'm scared shitless to be here. This is really a different experience for me than anything I've ever known. I have to make a life for me out here. I finally have gotten a job and that will finally bring me structure- which I need very badly right now. But, that doesn't mean I'm not scared shitless.

I still have yet to feel totally comfortable with any therapist. I don't ever want a relationship like I had with Nancy- too painful- way too painful. but yet...I need something like I had with Amy...although that one was slightly painful to leave as well but I think it was a normal pain.

So where have I been in the last few months? treatment... in the past two months- i've spent time in Atlanta, a little over a month at Rosewood Capri in Arizona- go treatment- then I was back in Atlanta for 4 days and then I moved to Denver. 3 states in a little over a month. wtf. no wonder I'm exhausted
xoxo -Lisa

@&@*#!232#(*@#

I JUST WANT TO NOT CARE WHAT I EAT

xoxo -Lisa

Finding the correct treatment team

AGHHH. I just want to scream because I'm not settled in here yet. I want to be...really badly...I am moving into my apt on Saturday so hopefully that stability will help! I hope...other than that it's just frustrating not to have a team that I am used to. I don't even remember the trial and error run with Nancy or Amy. I don't feel like there was one with either. Amy started off slowly- in 2 groups with me at ACE. All I remember of the beginning of seeing Nancy was refusing to leave her from the very beginning when my parents wanted me to see someone in network- I developed dependency issues really early on I guess- I had forgotten about those fights...so I was lucky...really really lucky. Now though, I'm struggling- the therapist that I have already really connected with is not seeing patients on an outpatient basis so once I'm out of the EIOP program I'm in, I won't get to see her :-( ... NOT okay with that

AND AND my meal plan- SO NOT OKAY with it. I trusted my dietician and I swear the sheet she gave me today was not what we had discussed. It does not seem like a maintenance plan to me at all...I'm just all over the place right now...

...I'm in a foul mood. Good thing I see two therapists tomorrow. My dbt one and my group leader...at least I'll have something to talk about.

xoxo -Lisa

Friends, Zits, Rings

Zits ( haha ), Rings, Pacsun and finding a therapist  video link(ignore the middle where I'm trying to remove the ring )

So, I've been on a job hunt like none other and it's been difficult to really just fill out application after application- in fact it's draining. I really want a damn job. I have an interview with Victoria's Secret tomorrow- I'm quite excited for it all. Speaking of job interviews, one of the guys I interviewed made a comment that was something like you'll defintely get this, you're so put together.... WTF. That's news to me! Its amazing the faces we can put on.

It's also been over a week and I've been looking for a new therapist and failing at the moment. I expect so much and I expect to connect quite easily. I know it's not that easy though. Still really trying to acclimate here in Denver. I'm so glad K is here. I'd be so lost without her. SO LOST. I'm also glad that I've been able to keep in touch with some of my really great friends back home ...

post about friends to come.


xoxo -Lisa

A familiar feeling

Last night...all of a sudden- my mood went to shit...absolute shit. I wanted a pretzel from the mall but the last time I had one of those- it was during a binge so I had that knee jerk reaction where it was like do i want it? Yes, wait no, yes, no, yes no, yes no. IT WAS A FUCKIN PRETZEL- it shouldn't be this fucking hard...

so, thus my mood went to shit and I got really awkwardly homesick. I missed my mom, Nancy and Amy and my friends in Atl. It was weird to miss my mom, not my friends- i knew that'd happen... Now missing Nancy and Amy- took a toll on me as well- a HUGE toll. I felt like shit...

one of my friends said that she told her therapist that she wanted to be her...that's how I feel about Nancy. Amy, my relationship with Amy was different, much more healthy...

I donno- the feeling from last night was awkwardly comforting because it was all too familiar...I feel better today- as of now anyway
xoxo -Lisa

Floating- dissocatied- disconnected-scared

That's how I feel.  I'm feeling okay right now and that scares me :-/ I'm scared that this is an up and it's not going to stay. I feel very very disconnected...and I feel honestly as if I'm floating through- just barely here but here enough to be present- barely though. I've been talking less in group just because my mind keeps getting distracted- where to? no where- to like a blank place. I look out the window and just stare.

I don't get it. Usually I'm hyper sensitive to my surroundings. Usually I'm pretty damn up and down quite quickly. I can't believe I've only been here in Denver for 7 days...I feel like I've been here a lot longer.

I'm still searching pretty pathetically for a job- I can't/refuse to keep free-loading off my parents. It makes me feel like shit pretty much.. OH it would make me feel like shit if I could feel. I know what it is I should probably be feeling but it's not there.

Could be because I'm not eating enough? Could I be purposefully numbing out? I don't know and that terrifies me. I guess I do have an emotion- I'm oddly content and that scares the shitttttt out of me. I'm so not used to it. Part of me almost wants to create drama for myself so that I can feel what I'm used to. I can feel my borderlined emotions and be IN the "drama triangle"

I want our group leader to be my therapist but I just don't think that she sees people individually outside of the program, so when I'm out of the E-IOP program- I won't get a chance to meet with her. That honestly makes me pretty damn angry... I really like and connect super well with her- the others that I've been going to- not so much. Speaking of the program- I saw my dietician yesterday and she told me that my weight is where she wants me to be. That also scares me because I've been restricting... I've def lost since I left Rosewood. I left at the world's most uncomfortable weight for me and with TERRIBLE TERRIBLE body image so I basically (re??) lapsed? I don't know and with her telling me that my weight is on the low end of where I need to be but it is where I should be...scares me because it makes me feel as if I should continue re-stricting...and 40% of me wants to stop and sadly- the other 60% is ED still screaming in my face.

Fuck this horrid HE called ED. I feel as if he'll never leave me and even if he is gone out of my life...he'll forever be a memory...


xoxo -Lisa

Overwhelmed and Elated at the same time?

I've started E-IOP and I really do like it. The girls are honest...and I love that. I love the brutal honesty and the fact that if one is struggling- you can outright see and hear them say it all. I'm struggling- right there with them but isn't that what an ED is? A roller coaster of struggles and good times? Thus, I'm overwhelmed BUT i'm also pretty happy at the same time. I LOVE it here- it's beautiful and I feel finally more free of myself. I know I'm still struggling hardcore with my ED but my BPD issues have depleted a lot. I don't feel like I can't live without my therapist nor do I feel like I just can't handle anything at all. Alex said she's never seen/heard me so happy :)

I don't have a therapist here yet...I really like Karen, the clinical director of the E-IOP program- I wish she could be my therapist. Finding a therapist is really hard and it's hard for one to live up to my expectations after my last experiences with Nancy and Amy.

My brain is so full of stuff right now- I can barely process much. I honestly don't have a lot to say, except that this eating disorder fight is pissing me off- majorly. I just want it to go away but yet I want to hold onto it really badly. So, thus I'm ambivalent at this moment and I hate the ambivalence.

I meet with my dietician today for the first time- I know she's going to weigh me and that pisses me off because I b/p yesterday and I DO NOT like my weight today at all. I'm actually totally scared to see her and see what meal plan she wants me to follow- I was talking to one of the girls in my group and it's so hard to follow a fucking meal plan when I'm not ready to gain weight...

I'm still in one of those states where I think the meal plans that ED facilities give us are slightly ridiculous. How many "normal - non- ED " people eat 3 meals and 3 snacks a day on a rigid schedule? I know it's to train us to eat intuitively but I'm just... I donno. fucking ED

and I really LOVE my nails :)  haha.

xoxo -Lisa

It's about time for a new post.

Amy and Nancy were absolutely floored when I opened up and told them about my blog. They hated what I was doing and said it was hindering my recovery- well I beg to differ. I think the community on here is amazing and on top of that- being able to type and communicate my feelings in words to others ( especially the people I have isolated from because I can't really explain how I feel in person ) really helps. But, it is about time for me to update. ( video blog link-click ).

I went res at Rosewood for 32 days. My opinion... was that it helped. I don't really want to say much more about the program- well it was a 12 step program and that didn't sit with me too well. I do know the program has heped A LOT of people and it did have some great aspects in it.

Nancy dropped me as a client and I had to leave Amy as well because they wanted me to go to Menniger or McLean- places that specialize in bpd. I instead went somewhere that does ED. Insurance kind of chose that route for me- insurance also chose the route of kicking me out the day I was reviewed. Let me go through the last week with y'all.

Monday- finds out my insurance cut me off from Rosewood
Tuesday- fly back to Atlanta
Wednesday- did my intake at Ridgeview in Atlanta, found out they want me PHP and won't take me IOP and my insurance refused to approve them as well. Nancy called and I cried on the phone but explained how I felt. It was really nice to get that out
Thursday- saw Nancy for the last time- not for a session, just to say good-bye. She asked ME for a hug :) AND told me that the fact that I reached out and tried to put closure to the situation meant the world to her.
Friday-saw Amy to say goodbye because it was decided that I was going to move to Denver Saturday
Saturday- IN DENVER!!!
Sunday- walked around the area where I am currently staying. 16 days until K and I can move into our apartment!!!!! I also got to go to a place called Canvas and Cocktails!! It was great. I love love love paiting.
Monday- Did EIOP ( evening- extended intensive outpatient ) at the ERC's outpatient location
Tuesday- going to go see a psych in a few hours today.

With all of this going on , the only time I've had to think was yesterday in group...it reminded me how hard groups are and how hard it is to eat with people around. I almost couldn't finish 100%.

I need more support- I need PHP I think. I've been restricting... :-/ It's just so hard not to when I'm not being held accountable but i'm trying- I've been working really hard to try and eat 3 meals a day and some snacks. I have good days and bad days but I wish I had more support- but the program here is trying to help me with that. So far this week, I see someone everyday

Tuesday- psych
Wed- therapist, group
Thursday- dietician, group
Friday- therapist

Hopefully this will be my schedule everyweek.

Alright- enough of an update... I wish my life were more interesting than my ED and how hard IT FUCKING IS


xoxo -Lisa

moment of clarity

I'm going to open up, I'm going to set boundaries and not walls. I'm going to recover. I'm going to live my life. I"m going to beat ED and my borderline. Fuck both. I'm better than both and I'm stronger than both.


I can have a life. I can recover. 

So can you.

xoxo -Lisa

GOT MY COMPUTER BACK!!

Now I can update more often! I am level 2, wooo!! I'm actually feeling comfortable here and seeing what I am here for now. I no longer want to just run home like a screaming baby. I'm actually finally present. :-) Amazing what a week or so can do. Legit update later- time to eat dinner ( yay... )


xoxo -Lisa